The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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