yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
