I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
