she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
