i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
