Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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