I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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