I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
