he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
