I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he fucked my hip out of place.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
