nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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