I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We're too hungover to prance.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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