I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
