there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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