Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
