Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
