Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
