Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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