a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
