She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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