i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
