party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize