Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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