I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
