this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
