The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
