ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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