if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
