low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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