Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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