I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
