in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Randomize
