I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
