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Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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