between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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