I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
