Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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