if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
