New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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