just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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