I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
what day is it and did you see me today?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
