The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
