i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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