I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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