1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
