You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
