So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
