There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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