I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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