Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were trust falling into bushes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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