Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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