Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
