I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bring me that man meat
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
