Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize