There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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